Vicki White    

I grew up calling myself Catholic but not understanding anything about it.  We mostly went to church only on holidays - Easter and Christmas – but I was an atheist.  I didn’t believe a “God” really existed.  I thought it was all fairy tales.  I knew who Jesus was theoretically (the Son of God) and who God was (a big giant invisible force in the sky somewhere), but the rest of it made absolutely no sense to me. 

By the time I was twenty-one I figured that religion was for mental weaklings who couldn’t handle the realities of life – that we lived and we died and that’s it.  People who “had religion” were those who needed a crutch, because the truth that life just ended, that there was no hope for the future, that all there was was here and now and you needed to get it while you could and too bad for you if you didn’t was too much for them to bear.  I thought that human life was no different than that of a tree - you lived, you died…the end.  There was nothing extraordinary about my life, or anyone else’s for that matter.     

I lived for myself, to please myself.  My God was myself!  I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and used whatever methods I needed to get what I wanted.  I spent an enormous amount of time developing my ‘front’ – my public persona.  I wanted to be thought of in a certain way, whether it was true or not, and actually spent a lot of time trying to make people believe a certain way about me.  Basically, what was most clear to everyone else, but not me, was that I was the biggest liar on the face of the earth.  I was on a mission obtain more - wealth, status, thinness, things.  The only motto I knew and recounted often was “He who dies with the most toys wins!”   I was consumed with myself, in hot pursuit of relationships, money and life’s experiences.   I have broken every single commandment in the Bible (yes, even murder!  Jesus says if you have hated someone in your heart, you have murdered!).  By twenty-three I was sick to death of life.   Sick of making “mistakes”, sick of making bad decisions and sick of paying the consequences for those decisions.  Sick and tired of where I was.  Sick of conniving and manipulating and being manipulated.  Sick and tired of other people’s problems.    Sick of other people lying to me.  Sick of everything - I wanted to just lie down in the middle of the road and…die.  Be gone.  Be done with all my drama.

And then, at the bottom of my barrel, when I thought life could not possible get any worse, something happened to me.  I unintentionally went to the White Plains Convention Center for something that was called a revival.  I didn’t have a clue what it was, I didn’t want to be there, but I was not waiting by myself in the parking lot.  So, I went inside and in this auditorium – I don’t remember any physical details of the place, just what I heard there – my life was changed.   
These people knew me!  They knew how I lived an immoral life, they knew how I lied and contrived.  They knew how hopeless I felt and how futile I thought life was.  They echoed what I had been thinking and knowing in my heart – that I WAS hopeless, that there was no help or hope for me, that people really didn’t know just how dark and dirty I really was on the inside because I kept the outside looking as best as I could.   They knew all the ugly, dirty, shameful secrets I held in my heart.  They knew how I thought, what I felt and what I was feeling.  And then, they told me they had the answer!  That I could end my life’s misery, without ending my life.  These were things I had never heard before.      

They told me about how the Bible says that there is nothing good in me – how by my very nature I am not even capable of good.  It is true.  How God is real and how the things I did, the things in my heart and mind, the things I will do and think in the future – separated me from God!  God is Holy – that means he can’t tolerate what these people were calling “sin”.  Not of any sort, not in any amount!  It was unacceptable to Him.  Sin?  Yes, that seemed to aptly describe all my ugly.   They told me that I was now and was going to be, forever, eternally separated from Him because he cannot be around sin.  He is perfect.  I could understand that.  If He is real, then I accept that, He better be perfect and if He is perfect, He certainly could not stomach me.  

Then they told me that not only is He real, but that He loves me and that there was only one way to be with Him.  To be able to be in His presence.   To know Him personally.  Wait a minute…God Loves me?  Seriously? . . . He doesn’t even know me.  I don’t even know Him. Can that be true?  How can I know?
 They told me that the Bible spelled the answer out – that this Jesus Christ, who was His Son, who was 100% God and 100% man (?) existed so that I could be with God.  It was the only way.  They said that the Bible said that the only payment God would accept to forgive sin was a blood payment.  What?  I don’t understand.  The Bible says that because I sin, because I have sinned, because I am a sinner, God demands that I pay a price.  God is just.  Just like the law, there are rules, and if you break the rules, you have to pay the price.  It’s not going to jail in this case.  The price that is spelled out in this Book says that all who sin must die.  I must die.  I must be eternally separated from Him.  Unless… a payment could be made to pay for my sins.

Okay, so how do I pay this?  What do I have to do???  What is the answer?

The answer is that there is nothing I can do.  But there is one who CAN do something.  That someone is Jesus.  Jesus?  Oh, this is how He fits into this?  Yes.  Jesus.  Oh, so that is why I grew up hearing them say He had to die?  But I never knew why.  I see WHY he had to die – because there would be no hope for me or anyone else to be with God without a perfect payment!  Because He was sinless, the spotless lamb – the perfect sacrifice that could pay the price, pay the penalty of sin, because in Him was no sin!  He never sinned!  He was the ONLY one that could have paid the price and made the sacrifice.  God demands a payment for sin, a price.  The Bible says the wages (what I have earned) of sin is death – eternal separation from Him!  Jesus paid the payment that I owed with His own blood when He died on the cross all those years ago.   It was all coming clear to me now!  Because of Jesus’ selfless gift, his payment, it was possible for me to be accepted by God – adopted into the family of God!  A child of God!  I could have a relationship with Him that I seriously never had, never even knew was possible before! 
I heard these things and knew they were true!  Every molecule of my body vibrated and repeated over and over in my head “This is TRUE!” Why had I not heard this before?  Why hadn’t anyone told me?  What?  The Bible says these very words?  Why did I not know these things?  Why did I not know that it was right there before me, a map through life, there for the reading?   Why had I never even looked in this Bible?  I believed that the Bible was true, that it was God’s Word.   I heard and I believed.

In that instant, and I was refreshed!  Enlightened!  Excited!  I was in harmony with God!  I never had that before!  I understand this now – I was what the Bible calls born, spiritually BORN!  Like a baby, opening my eyes for the first time!  Seeing things for the first time!  I don’t know what this means, or what to do, but I am so glad to be here– born into God’s family.  I already exist, so I have physical life (and up to this point I think this physical life is pretty stinky), but God is a Spirit, according to His Word, and I had no spiritual life in me.  I was cut off.  Severed.  Because of sin.  Up to now, I lived my life only in the physical sense, with no spiritual understanding, no spiritual influence, knowledge or guidance.  When God opened my spiritual eyes, to see the truth, I was born spiritually – and my eyes were opened by God and the Holy Spirit to see the truth of His Word and the reality of life.   The reality is not what I thought it was. 

The reality was that, wow, God set those commandments there for me not as a standard (who can keep them?  Only Christ who is perfect!) but to show me that I needed a savior!  I can’t describe the peace and joy that flooded my heart, my mind my soul when I was saved by Jesus.  When I became His, He actually put His Holy Spirit inside me.  The Holy Spirit literally lives inside a believer!  I am no longer the same person.  I am changed!  I have GOD inside me!  What????  God changed me!

God filled me with an insatiable desire to know His Word – I had to find out what else was in the Bible that I had never known before!  My life was changed – Life now HAS purpose!  It has meaning!  Oh, the value of life that changed for me in finding out ...the value of life!  HIS life! 
It has been many years since sine the greatest thing that ever happened to me happened!  20 years, this year.  I don’t remember the exact day according to the calendar, but that day I will never forget!  My family seriously thought I lost my mind and went stark raving lunatic, and I am sure some still think that.  Honestly.
 It has been a slow process, maturing and growing and changing!  God has worked miracle after miracle in my life.  I am so thankful that He didn’t give up on me.  There have been many moments I am ashamed of even now, but God forgives and He teaches and He loves me.  Just like my real-life Dad, I have learned that there is nothing I can do that will ever make Him not love me – He is my Father.  I am His child.  He doesn’t love me because I am good, or because I do good things.  He loves me because I am His!  He loves me even though I am so not lovable, but just because I am His daughter!  That is the very essence of love.  He loves me because now I am His own child.  He is so patient with me, putting up with all my nonsense.  He has filled every void I’ve ever had.  He has provided for every need I’ve ever had!

Now, life is not one big emotional roller coaster anymore.   Wow, the weight of it all when you have your problems (or perceived problems) and your friends have problems, and their problems become your problems.  God gave me this inner peace where I still had highs and lows, but they weren’t so extreme anymore.  Life was more on an even keel – because He influenced me!  That was huge to me.  It calmed me down.  I love this change in me.
Now, I care about what GOD thinks about what I do and say. I want to Him to be happy with what I think, do and say.  I want what comes out of my life to be this reflection of His goodness.  That desire controls how I act and how I think and what I do.  It controls where I go and who I hang around with.  It controls what I watch on TV, what I read, and how I treat other people and what I say.

I don’t worry about my future anymore because He has proven day after day, month after month, year after year that He will take care of me!  He always meets our financial needs – given us exactly what we needed when we needed it!  Okay, so maybe not everything I thought I needed – luxury, a fat bank account, a life of leisure – but everything that I really have needed… roof over my head, food in my belly and to share with others, a husband that loves God too, family and friends that I cannot number, safety and protection, transportation, work, joy, churches to belong to that teach the Word of God and encouraged me to grow.  I have observed that the happiest people I have ever met in life were often the poorest in finances – and the richest in love, usually those enormous families that can’t afford anything so they just enjoy life itself – but do it together.  He takes care of me.  He has carried me thru miscarriage, health scares, physical danger, rocky patches in my marriage, parenthood to my step daughters, deaths of loved ones, trials and sorrows, worries and fears.  He has never not been there and comforted me and taken care of me in every single situation since that special day. 

Now I also don’t worry about what will happen when I die.  I used to have nightmares about it as a child.  Now, I have complete assurance that I am going to heaven!  I will be with Jesus and God the very moment I draw my last breath.  Not because I am special – I hope I have made it clear that I am not special – but because He promised!  It’s in the Bible!  It is all in there.  Those who believe on Christ will be saved, will go to heaven, will be with Christ. 
It is also clear about what happens to those who do not come to understand who Jesus is, accept what and who He was and establish their own relationship with Him.  So that has changed for me, now I care about what is going to happen to other people! That is a HUGE change!!  I care especially about the people I know!  Ones I love!  When I see them, I am filled with concern for them and I so much want them to know that Jesus is the answer to all their issues too!  I want them to have the same peace and joy that I do. 

I’ve never regretted my decision to believe in Him, I only regret that I didn’t come to know Him earlier and that I hadn’t wasted so many years.  Jesus Christ is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.  If He gives me another 20 years to serve Him, I want to tell as many people as I can that He can change them too.